Calling All Consumers

Advertising is good for one thing and only one thing. Making money. Advertising is the oil that keeps the capitalist machine moving and I am more than happy to play capitalist cog to make that money. I am ashamed to work in the advertising business but I am not ashamed to make money. Money is the only path to freedom.

The cliché, money makes money, is a cliché for a reason. Tip your hat to Alexander Hamilton's mercantile money system for swatting Jefferson's agrarian manure system. Had America, this mighty country, and a quite fine one at that, been led astray by Jefferson's obscured view of a people's utopia, we might very well be slinging shit at pigs instead of slinging slogans at people.

Consumption is not an assumption. It's the American way. Thank Hamilton for that. And if you visit Monticello, Jefferson's stately quarters (which, by the way, he had trouble paying for because he never adopted the Hamilton philosophy) perched atop the rolling hills of the state of Virginia, remember that a man's mind evaporates along with his soul but a man's money lives on despite the ill-conceived, and costly Inheritance Tax.

And another thing. America needs men like George Jefferson, the pugnacious dry-cleaning tycoon, not men like Oliver Wendell Douglas, the well-educated, to-the-manor-born lawyer who awoke from the American dream only to find himself, and his loving, if somewhat dimwitted wife, Lisa, living the American nightmare in the picturesque town of Hooterville.

We must promote the good cause, which is the constant consumption of products put forth by the conglomerates. To do any less is to fail as a consumer. And if we bail, as did Oliver, we not only snap a link in the consumer chain, we also create a cumbersome chore for the consumer: to consume even more. A weighty burden, indeed.

Work is hell. I'll give you that. Hell, I'd rather not work. But I must. So I do. (Long story but suffice to say that a few distant relatives made some rather poor business choices forever altering what could have been, should have been, a life teeming with the carefree hedonistic pleasures enjoyed by but a few of our fellow consumers.) More importantly is the role we play as consumers. To not consume is to fail. To consume, but not consume enough, is to fail with equal disgrace. We must never relegate our consumer duties to other consumers. We must consume more than our fair share, at all times. The more money you make, the more consuming you do. Pick up the slack for the weaker consumer. By doing so, you help preserve the consumer culture and, ultimately, our way of life.