"Hi, I’m William Devane, on the phone to my agent because if I have to do another one of these ads..."

Lately, I’ve been fascinated by these commercials for Rosland Capital, starring journeyman actor William Devane who you might know from 24, The Grinder, or if you’re in your senior years, the early 1980’s soap opera Knot’s Landing. My guess is this audience these commercials are intended for know him best for the latter.

Rosland Capital is one of those companies that tend to appeal to listeners of talk radio, preppers, survivalists, tin-foil hat wearers and senior citizens who are always worried that their hard-earned money might one day vanish overnight because some foreign regime or shadowy cabal has taken it.

Like other companies of this nature or commercials by ambulance-chasing lawyers), they exploit fear by promising security in an insecure world. Unlike other companies, however, the production value of these is higher.

Watching Rosland Capital commercials are as oddly soothing, mildly patriotic and hypnotic as they are laced with barely concealed paranoia. The premise is always the same. William Devane on location. Never the same place twice. He introduces himself, explains why he’s in that particular location, and references some timely topic in a generalized way. And then there’s a slow wind up that leads to why he buys gold from Rosland Capital, making sure the emphasis is on the word “gold.”

He relaxes at home. He’s flying a plane. He’s doing yard work. He’s standing in front of what could be the White House. He’s on a battleship. Yeah. A freaking battleship.

I started wondering where else William Devane could be, just to mix it up and keep it fresh. And I hereby give Rosland Capital permission to use these premises.

“Hi, I’m William Devane. Like you, I worry about chemtrails. They contain lead, arsenic and other heavy metals. Until QAnon infiltrates the CIA and puts a stop to their nefarious plans once and for all, I’ll stay the fuck indoors and order precious metals from Rosland Capital.”

“Hi, I’m William Devane, laying down some bass in Steve Albini’s studio. With the exception of math rock, the only thing I’m more obsessed with is the sound math that'll make my retirement goals a reality. That's where Rosland Capital’s gold comes in.”

“Hi, I’m William Devane, here at the farmer’s market. They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Know what’ll keeps you from having to eat cat food in your golden years? Gold. I buy mine from Rosland Capital.”

“Hi, I’m William Devane. If you’re like me, you are utterly convinced we’re living in a computer simulation, like unwitting characters in an absurd video game. I don’t know about you, but the only way to win is to play for keeps. That’s why I do two things: Play dirty. And level-up my gold and silver with Rosland Capital.”

“Hi, I’m William Devane. See that tree over there? I can make it move by telekinesis. What I can’t do on my own though, is protect my retirement funds. That’s why I always buy gold and silver from Rosland Capital.”

“Hi, I’m William Devane, getting some dental work done. Even though we still call it novocaine, most dentists have replaced it in favor of newer numbing agents like Lidocaine because it’s faster-acting. In all honesty though, there’s no better tingling sensation than knowing all that money you worked for is safe because you invested in gold through Rosland Capital.

“Hi, I’m William Devane. Did you ever turn your back for five seconds on a perfectly ripe avocado only to discover it turned brown? I don’t know what’s up with that, but I do know if you buy gold from Rosland Capital, your financial future won’t spoil.”

“Hi, I’m William Devane. And I’m on the phone talking to my agent. Because if I’m going to do another year of these Rosland Capital commercials, they’re going to pay through the nose. In gold.”

“Hi, I’m William Devane, on the set of a pornographic film. I was blessed with three things: A birth name that sounds lewd. Natural stamina. And the ability to plan my future wisely. That’s why I buy gold from Rosland Capital.”

*Record Scratch.* 

*Freeze Frame.* 

“Yup, that's me, William Devane. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. Stuck in Suvarnabhumi airport customs. Sweating bullets. Yuri said this would be the last time. He always says that. “Just one more job, boychik.” If I put my foot down, he shows me those photos again. Threatens to tell the police. "You can do almost anything in Thailand, but not that. What will the authorities think? You'll spend the rest of your days in a Bangkok prison, boychik."  Just how valuable can peacock feathers and python venom be? Lord knows what he does with them, or who he sells them to. If there's a lesson to be learned from this, it's that you should never trust a Ukrainian with a glass eye. Well that, and keep your money secure from a volatile stock market through the purchase of sound financial investments like gold and silver from Rosland Capital.”

In addition to being a freelance CD CW (ask for the password to my portfolio) I’m also an author.