Amazon's advertainment movies really suck

Slate on Amazon.com's "Amazon Theatre" project that brought us short films with large amounts of product placement and clickable credits. Which might not be a bad idea if only the films didn't bite the big one.

I mean, they're really, really bad.

"Watching these films is time wasted. I did it so you don't have to. I urge any future producers of advertainment to heed this advice: If the content is not as compelling as a Dharma & Greg rerun, it should not see the light of day."

The films can still be seen here. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Amazon Theater Director Bios
Amazon Theater presents a series of five very different films from five very different directors who have one thing in common: they're all on the roster of Ridley Scott Associates (RSA USA), one of the world's leading production companies.

Jordan Scott, "Portrait"
As a young and emerging director for RSA USA, Jordan Scott began to make her mark in her early 20s, earning awards and popular acclaim for music videos she directed for bands in Europe. Building on that success, Scott has since worked with Elton John, the Deftones, the Pretenders, and Joe Cocker. She has also received critical acclaim in the U.S. for three gun-control public-service announcements she directed for Project Exile in 1999.

Tony Scott, "Agent Orange"
British director Tony Scott has had a long and consistent string of successes in films, television, and commercials. Scott began his feature film career in 1983 with The Hunger, starring Catherine Deneuve, David Bowie, and Susan Sarandon. Three years later, he went on to direct Top Gun, Beverly Hills Cop II, Revenge, Days of Thunder, The Last Boy Scout, True Romance, The Fan, Crimson Tide, and Enemy of the State. It's been more than 30 years since he joined his brother, Ridley Scott, to form RSA, which has become one of the most successful production companies in the world. And Scott shows no signs of slowing down. Most recently, Scott directed Man on Fire for 20th Century Fox, and he's currently filming Domino, starring Keira Knightley as bounty hunter Domino Hunter.

David Slade, "Do Geese See God"
Director David Slade comes from the school of incredibly clean imagery, where powerful cinematic style is offset with human performances and inhumane/absurd concepts, all produced with an experienced understanding of cinematography. Slade's work includes music videos for bands like the Stone Temple Pilots, OPM, Collective Soul, and POD. He has also created existential and beautiful music videos for artists such as Tori Amos, David Gray, and the Prodigy's Maxim. Most recently, Slade has started development of his first feature film, "This Way to Egress," written by Charly Cantor and optioned from Lawrence C. Connolly's short story "Traumatic Descent." "Do Geese See God" star Blair Underwood was drawn to the role after hearing firsthand Slade's intricate vision for the "perpetual journey" in this short film.

Jake Scott, "Tooth Fairy"
Awarded an Emmy in 2002 for his direction of Nike's "Move," director Jake Scott uses an original cinematic approach to explore the gamut of human emotion, from humor and pathos to aesthetic wonder. In 2001, the "Move" commercial quickly became an anthem for athletes around the world and received several international accolades for Scott, including the Emmy for Best Commercial. Scott is also an award-winning music video director, and in 1999 he received the VH-1 Vogue Fashion Award for Most Stylish Video (No Doubt's "New," from the soundtrack to the motion picture Go). His music video for Radiohead's "Fake Plastic Trees" was recently voted by MTV as one of the 100 Greatest Music Videos of All Time, as was the video he directed for R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts." Scott made his feature directorial debut in October 1999 with the USA Films release Plunkett & Macleane. The film, based on the real-life exploits of two notorious 18th-century highwaymen, stars Liv Tyler, Jonny Lee Miller, and Robert Carlyle. Scott is also deeply involved in the development of several other feature-film projects.

Acne, "Careful What You Wish For"
Acne Film, with offices in Stockholm and London, is an offshoot of Swedish-based design agency Acne. Acne Film has been producing and directing film projects since 1997. Early work includes five seasons of sketches on the hit late-night European talk show "Sen Kvall Med Luuk"; title sequences for several television shows; and music videos, including the 1999 Swedish Grammy Winner "Four Big Speakers" by Whale. The first foray for Acne Film in the American market was ESPN's "Shelf Ball" TV spots. Acne Film is now expanding its reach to all kinds of filmmaking, including documentaries, short films, and feature films. Acne Film currently has seven directors working in different constellations.